The Blog So Crazy, It Took Three Days To Write.

Can you think of a time when your Valentine’s Day was ruined?
I can. The story is so incredulous; I had to share it with you all.
1992
I was single. I was living on my own. So, naturally, you could imagine my friends viewed my house as the unofficial frat house. Most of them still lived with their families, so they’d hang out at my house with whomever they were dating at the time. Around this time, I’d gotten uncharacteristically serious with this one girl (one girl, could you imagine) named Anna. I won’t divulge her last name. Out of respect. For all I know she may be reading or maybe one of the fellas on 360 reading may be dating her right now. But if she is reading, once she reads the story she’ll know who I’m talking about. Anyway, back to the story. As I said I was dating pretty seriously. My two best friends, Tony and Greg started dating around the same time. Tony suggested that Anna and I and Greg and his girlfriend all hang out together. I said I’d have to consider it. Naturally, I’d forgotten all about it. I was seriously into planning this grand Valentine’s night for Anna and me. Dinner, flowers, White Grenache (I know it’s a desert wine, but it’s my favorite), candles and a brand new Slow Jams mix tape that I worked on for nearly a week (this was before you could burn a CD from MP3’s. You had to play each song from a SEPARATE CD and time it just right so that no song was cut off). I know it sounds corny but back then that was THE SH*T!!
Anna arrived at my house a little before I got off from work. My dad had an office at my house and he let her in. What I didn’t know (or rather I forgot) was that Tony came by and informed Anna that we’d all be triple dating that night. I called Tony and told him that I’d forgotten about what he’d ask me. I told him I was gonna just stay in.
(Retrospect moment: DUDE! You just came to my house. My GIRLFRIEND WAS THERE! The house looked like it received a makeover from FTD. When I say "I’m just gonna stay in" that means "I’m about to GET BUSY…")
So anyway, back to 1992.
Dinner was great. The wine was flowing. Jodeci and Silk set the mood. The game was afoot and we’re about to re-enact pages 234 through 492 of the Kama Sutra. A massage, a bubble bath and satin sheets. Vanilla candles and Black Love/coconut incense. "Adore", "Scandalous" and "Insatiable" all back to back on one side of a cassette. You get the picture. Fade to black. Lights out. Surrender the pink.
Meanwhile in best friend land, the "triple date" quickly deteriorated to quick visits with girlfriends and a misguided idea.
Back at home, I am THOUROUGHLY enjoying my Valentine’s night. I thought that I’d turned my phone off but in fact I’d only switched off my answering machine. My phone began to ring off the hook. Non-stop. They’d ring the phone 5 times, hang up and call again. They were breaking my concentration (and believe me I was HARD at work).
Then I started hearing knocking on my door. I turned the radio up. I was determined to enjoy my night. The knocking eventually stopped.
Then, as if on cue, the F***ING phone starts ringing again!
In a fit, I leapt up and snatched the phone off of the hook?
"HELLO!?!?!?" "Ron, it’s Miss Lil." (The nosy neighbor/block captain who just happened to live right next door to me all of my life) "Yes, Miss Lil?" " I heard some noises coming from your house. I thought somebody was yelling. Everything OK?" (Translation: I saw that light skinned girl go into the house with the balloons and I haven’t seen her come out for hours, so I put a glass up against the wall to listen for what noises I could hear. Sounds like you’re in there getting busy, so it looked like a job for Captain Cockblock, because I’m just a nosy b***h.) "Yes, Miss Lil, everything is ABSOLUTELY fine." (Translation: Nosy a** b***h, you bustin’ my groove right about now. Can’t you hear the music? I’m trying to get my swerve on!) I hang the phone up and go back to bed. 10 minutes later, there’s knocking on my door. AGAIN.
Now Anna is PISSED! She tells me to go handle this. I’m like "NOW!?!" She tells me she’s gonna leave if I don’t. SO.. I get up out of the bed (and a very difficult position); sporting more wood than a lumberjack and I slip on some shorts and a tank top and answer the door. It’s Tony and Greg. Each carrying a pizza and a six pack. Greg looks at Tony and says; " I told you he was busy!" "What the HELL are you two doing here?" "Tony said you were all by yourself tonight" "Tony, what gave you that idea?" I asked. "When I called you said you didn’t wanna be bothered tonight. I thought you were all alone" "NO! Anna is parked right outside and she’s upstairs waiting for me!" Greg cut Tony another look. Greg asked if he could use the phone before he left. I told him yes. I took the opportunity to grab something to drink. Greg made his phone call we shared a joke and were giggling and I was ushering them out of the door. The next thing I saw was flashing red and blue lights. The cops ran up on my porch, GUNS DRAWN! "EVERYONE ON THE PORCH, HIT THE GROUND, MOTHER#*@%$! HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM!" I stood there in shock. He barked the orders again and then I realized he was serious (all of this was in the wake of Rodney King).
(Retrospect moment. One way you DO NOT want to die is shot by a trigger-happy cop in the middle of February with nothing on but some ball shorts and a tank top with a boner harder than 12th grade trigonometry)
After we all complied, "Hoppy & Smitty" (Sanford & Son reference) informed us that a call came from my house reporting a RAPE! I hopped up and said "WHAT?! There’s gotta be a mistake. I can assure you that for the last 2 hours NO ONE was on the phone." Smitty corrected Hoppy and said that the next door neighbor called and said she heard some noises coming from the house next door that sounded like someone was being sexually assaulted. I gritted my teeth and spat. "F**k, Miss Lil."
(Now in the cops’ defense, I knew how this looked. Three guys coming out of a house, laughing and joking, after receiving a rape call. I know how serious that could appear. But for the sake of the story and the sake of humor, I’ll shy away from the seriousness. This is a FUNNY story)
I tried to explain what happened to Hoppy, but he had a bead drawn on me and was not letting up. (after all, remember, I had the least clothing)
Greg stood up slowly and began to reason with Smitty. He explained how they showed up unexpectedly and unannounced and they had only been there for a few minutes. Greg also told him that Anna was my girlfriend and they interrupted our evening . Smitty got the picture and said; "Damn, ya’ll busted your boy’s groove, that’s f’ed up"
By this time Anna heard all of the commotion and ventured to see what was wrong. She’d wrapped herself in my satin comforter and peered down the stairs. She saw Hoppy, gun still pointed at me and started screaming " WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BOYFRIEND?"
Hoppy looks into the house and says "everything ok ma’am?"
Anna says yes. He asks again as if she’s lying. She says yes again.
FINALLY, he puts his gun away. Hoppy and Smitty leave the porch laughing. Tony leaves directly after them. By this time a small crowd (i.e. my entire block) has gathered at my steps. Realizing all of the attention that we’ve attracted, Anna gets ANGRY. Like I planned for it to work out this way. She gets dressed in like 10 seconds flat. She gathers all of the gifts I gave her and storms out of the door and goes to her car. She starts yelling about how I always let my friends ruin our time together (a whole other blog). I stand there dumbfounded. She drives off. I turn to walk into the house and then I realize…
SHE SLAMMED THE DOOR on the way out. I had on basketball shorts and a tank top. No keys. I’m locked out.
I yell, channeling Charlie Brown, AUUUUUGGGHHH!!!!
I sit on the bench on my porch. The little ghetto urchins on my block started to laugh and sing and do a dance, mocking me.
I mumble "f***ing perfect…"
Then my front door swings open.
Greg was still in the house. I’d forgotten.
I went inside. I got changed. About 20 minutes later, my phone rings. It was Anna. I just knew she was halfway back to the suburbs. She told she’d been driving in circles. We talked. She came back. We ended up at Pizza Hut. She spent the night. Turned out to be a good night after all.