"Who Do You Love?"

Defining a relationship. It's one of those cliche things that isn't as simple as black and white. A father/son relationship is one of the most tenuous. I have been a dad for 11 years. Have I been a good Dad? I've tried. Have I been the best Dad I could be. No. I don't think I have. I am MAN ENOUGH to admit it. Neither of the relationships that bore my children(yeah, I got two baby mamas)were exactly the healthiest. I met Sabrina when I was 18 and she was 21. I had no idea the ride I'd be in for over the subsequent 17 years. She was the first woman I ever said I loved. She was a LOT of firsts.(yeah, that one too..) She could get anything she wanted from me(and most times she did). I believed in her so blindly. Even I was in school. I wrote her constantly with no reply. I'd call her and if she was home, she'd rebuff me with words of assurance that everything was ok and she loved me as much as I loved her. What a fool I was. After an initial three years ( and coincidentally, after I was home from school permanently) she decided that it was over. We bounced back and forth through a tumultuous series of being "on again, off again." When I was 22 I met and got engaged to a girl named Demetria(because my mother liked her..). Demetria was a sweet girl, but got caught up in the downward spiral of bad relationships that defined my life from 21 to 23. When we ended things, we discovered that we had far less in common than we originally thought and I ended up getting stabbed(well, slashed really.) Nevertheless, I ended up right back in Sabrina's arms. See, the thing is, there were things going on with Sabrina that, in hindsight, I realize were right in front of my face, but in my naivete, I just didn't see them. Sabrina would do inexplicable things. Leave home for several days. Call from strange places and abruptly hang up. I thought she was into drugs or something. Well, I was right. It was something. Regardless, we ended up on again, and the result was, she became pregnant with Hasheen Khalid, my oldest son. I was ecstatic. I was 23, had a good job and my own place and my first love was having my first child. (Someone remind me again, why they're called fairy tales...). Her erratic behavior began again. She moved out of her mother's house and disappeared for three weeks. When se reemerged she'd started talking about aborting my son. I begged her not to. She agreed and went on with the pregnancy. But she kept me at arms lentgh with a string of lies. When my son was finally born. I found out an ugly truth about her that changed our friendship/relationship forever. A week after Hasheen was born, Sabrina came into the hospital(he was born with neonatal pneumonia), took my son and disappeared(subsequently for four years). I was devastated. I spiralled into alcohol and drug abuse. I stopped caring about anything. Along came Catherine. She came into my life when I was totally vulnerable. She was a friend of (my roommate) Kyle's mother. She happened to be around at a critical time, when I needed someone. It was around Christmas time. I'd called Sabrina's mother to see if she'd had any contact with her. She told me that Hasheen was at her house and if I wanted to see him I could come over before Sabrina picked him up. Naturally, I was elated. There was a slight problem. I was at 58th and Arch and she was in East Falls ( my Philly pham knows what I am getting at..) I didn't have a car at the time and there was no way Septa would get me there in time. Catherine happened to be at the house (we'd actually started dating.. sorta) so she agreed to take me to Hasheen's grandmother's so I could see him. That was the biggest thing anyone could have done for me at that time in my life( Remember the downward spiral of drugs and booze? I was involved in an auto accident that shoulda claimed my life. After that I tried to get so high, that I couldn't feel anything anymore. But the higher I got, the straighter I felt. God was calling me back). Well, two weeks after that, we were married. Against everyones wishes and warnings. It worked for two years. In that time Jordan Tyler was born. He's the spitting image of his Daddy. I guess I shoulda made sure she had broken up wth her "ex-boyfriend" before we'd gotten married. I don't regret either of my children. Their mothers and our relationships, well that's up for review. Like I said before I started rambling, I'm not the greatest Dad. But my kids think so. And like I said, I'm trying...
R .