9/20/05 Mom Mom

September 20, 2005
Today would have been my grandmother's 85th birthday. She died in the summer of 1990. Just when I was starting to grow into a young man. I'd just come home from school and I spent a lot of time with her. My grandfrather had gotten sick while I was away and my father had also lost a job he'd had for nearly 25 years. F---ing downsizing. She never really told us how sick she was. We were all so concerned with my grandfather and the aggression of his cancer. She was the strongest and bravest person I'd ever known. She was the most straight forward, too. She was my grandmother but she was also my best friend. I still cry when I see her pictures at my mother's house. The day before she died I was supposed to go visit her(I'd just gotten new glasses. I know it seems silly now but I wanted her to see me in them). The Sunday School Picnic was the next day and that had always been a huge family tradition with us. My mother had to go to K-Mart or someplace. I called her and told her I wouldn't see her until the next day and I loved her. We went out to the park and my mother and aunt were going to get her and bring her out. They never made it. She passed away in the ER from cardiac arrest.That was the worst day of my life. When we got to the house I saw my pastor's car. Which wasn't unusual. He was like family to us. But I saw the pastor and then the pastor's wife walk out of the house and I refused to walk inside. My mother and father hurried into the house and I just wanted someone to confirm what I knew. When I got the nerve up I made it to the steps I heard the screams and wails just explode from the house. I never ever felt the same whenever I went to visit my aunt( she actually ended up living with me two years later). During making the arrangements, my mother found she was short a pallbearer and was hesitant about asking me. I said yes without a second thought. I felt like I could be there with her til the last moment. Watch out for her like she did for me so many times in my life. Sometimes I think she still visits me in my dreams. I think she did the night she died. Just to let me know it's all right. I miss her.
Happy Birthday Mom-Mom.